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InsightofaFather

Insight of a Father - 3/27/07

Insight of a Father - 3/27/07
 
Spring is here, so we got the trampoline out recently and the girls, along with a friend, were jumping on it yesterday.
 
There's a little bounce, sit and twist move that I showed the girls last year that my older daughter has been practicing. She attempted it and didn't do it as well as she thought she should, which upset her. What really pushed her over the edge, however, was watching her younger sister attempt it next and do it better than her (in her opinion).
 
While my daughter's sting of feeling "less than" was apparent to us all, what was especially interesting to observed was how her sister and the friend who was visiting attempted to sooth her pain by demonstrating how they, too, were struggling to do the move. Rather than trying their best to do it right, it was as if they were almost intentionally screwing it up so Sofia Grace wouldn't feel so bad.
 
They understood, on some level, that the upset was because my daughter saw them (or at least her sister) as better and herself as worse, and that if they could dissolve that difference, all would be well again. The important thing was no longer to do the task to the best of their ability, it was to reduce the discomfort they felt in her (and, likely, themselves).
 
While I was touched by the demonstration of compassion, I couldn't help but see the origins of a pattern that I've observed in my own life. Avoid the painful comparisons and the discomfort of being different (or better) by playing small, fitting in and being like those around me.
 
What I've come to notice, however, is that while being less than my best --- or other than who I truly am --- might be less painful initially, it is far less fulfilling over the course of a lifetime. It also sets me up to be one of those people who secretly (after all, I'm an adult --- I certainly wouldn't make my feelings as transparent as my daughter) wants to see others stumble who attempt to rise higher or get better, because it reminds me of my own unfulfilled dreams and potential.
 
The choice, while apparent, is none-the-less a tough one for someone who sometimes confuses approval for love and has found safety in anonymity. And while the choice to rise, be myself and do my very best is clearly where I want to go, I must also find a way, it seems, to equate my standing out, being different and, in some ways, even being better with the very love and safety I currently fear I'll lose.
 
And maybe, in choosing to rise, I'll find that place above the fear that comes from comparison .... above the separation and the tendency to categorize everything and everybody into better or worse .... ahead or behind .... right or wrong.
 
That perspective that allows me the freedom to express myself fully and freely --- while allowing and encouraging others to do the same.
 
Michael Connor
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InsightofaFather

Insight of a Father - 3/15/07

Insight of a Father - 3/15/07
 
Some friends were over last weekend and we, along with the girls, were playing a game where each person takes a turn drawing something on the board and the others attempt to guess what it is. The fun is to drag it out by drawing only portions of the picture at a time, with the others making wild and often silly guesses along the way. Usually, once there is enough detail provided, the image becomes obvious.
 
At one point my younger daughter asked me to take her to the bathroom and when I returned I immediately guessed the drawing on the board that others had struggled to see. My older daughter commented that she thought it was easier for me because I came in at the end when more of the picture had already been drawn.
 
What occurred to me, however, was that none of the preconceptions, assumptions or inaccuracies that tend to get generated during the guessing process, especially when only a small amount of detail has been provided, were filtering or blocking my ability to see the image as it was.
 
No past was influencing my present --- which allowed me the clarity to see what was there.
 
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InsightofaFather

Insight of a Father - 3/9/07

Insight of a Father - 3/9/07
 
Cleaning up messes --- that's where I last left off. Cleaning the car to be specific.
 
What I found when I cleaned the car was that I got more than a clean car. I got more energy, too.
 
Which had me wondering whether maybe beyond the cleaning up of the physical messes is something else worth taking a look at --- and that is the loop --- the energetic loop --- and is left open anytime I leave something undone.
 
Something started without completion. My words stating an intention or commitment with no action to match them. Energy aligned towards an end that is left .... dangling.
 
When I clean the car or complete a project or have the necessary communication with my wife to clear up a misunderstanding or follow though on any agreement large or small, I experience more energy. I've closed the loop and the energy I've invested has returned to me --- sometimes, it feels, several fold.
 
When the loop is left open, anytime I leave something unclear or undone, the energy seems to dissipates --- it goes out, but never comes back. I don't get recharged --- and my battery starts to run low.
 
Ever feel like your beam of light --- your vitality --- is a little dim?
 
I do. And while a little more sleep might do me well, closing the loops in my life might do me even better.
 
Michael Connor
 
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InsightofaFather

Insight of a Father - 2/21/07

Insight of a Father - 2/21/07
 
I like to give the girls the freedom to play around the house without being too concerned about making a mess --- as long as they agree to clean up when they're done.
 
As you might imagine, they have no problem with the making messes part, it's the cleaning up that doesn't always go as planned.
 
Recently their favorite response, when something else has caught their attention, is "we'll clean it up later." Of course, later never comes --- as least not a "later" in which they are any more willing to clean up whatever mess they've created. What ensues is usually a struggle in which they resist the clean-up process while I get more and more annoyed.
 
In asking myself how I might make this process a bit less difficult, it occurred to me, I am somewhat embarrassed to say, that I'd been intending to clean our car for weeks --- always finding something else that was more important (or simply more enjoyable) to do instead. Not only had I intended to clean it, I had stated to the girls on several occasions that "I really need to clean this car."
 
Of course there will be struggle with the girls around cleaning up, I realized --- I'm asking them to do engage in something that I have been unwilling to do myself. In fact, I've been modeling the very thing I'm asking them not to do.
 
Once I recognized that I was attempting to institute external change (in my daughters) without recognizing and addressing the real source of the issue which was with me and my behavior, I realized the struggle had very little to do them and everything to do with the struggle within myself. The struggle that always ensues when my actions, or lack thereof, are inconsistent with my thoughts and words.
 
Without my own actions being in integrity or alignment, my requests to my daughters to clean-up their messes are hallow, without substance --- and kids can sniff that out in a heartbeat (adults can do, but often don't trust themselves enough to recognize it).
 
It occurred to me that if I consistently cleaned up the messes I make (physical, emotional and otherwise), I might not even need to ask the girls to clean-up.
 
Maybe more importantly, I can give them the gift of removing struggle from the entire process as they move forward in their lives.
 
OK then .... where do I start?
 
Oh yes .... the car ....
 

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InsightofaFather

Insight of a Father - 1/27/07

Insight of a Father - 1/27/07

Several days ago Bryana, now age 5, asked if she could have a glass of a special drink that, while tasty, we like to drink in small quantities. I knew that my wife had already given her a glass, so asked, somewhat accusatorily, what had happened to her first glass. 

 
She replied that Baba (her Bulgarian grandmother who lives with us) had drank it. With a little minor investigation, I found that she had lied and so asked her directly if she had told me the truth .... at which time she got upset and started crying.
 
Once she calmed down a bit, she shared with me, "sometimes it's hard to tell the truth."
 
As I thought about what she said and what had transpired, I began to realize that I had played a large part in her not being honest with me. 
 
I considered how my accusatory tone likely had her feeling as if her request, or even her natural desire to have more of something that tasted good, was somehow wrong or inappropriate. She already felt trapped. She clearly wanted something that was drawing a negative reaction on the part of her father. She could either be honest that she had, in fact, already drank her drink, feel bad about making the request and most likely not get what she wanted .... or .... she could withdraw her request and act like she never wanted it in the first place (as my older daughter, unfortunately, has learned to do to avoid disappointment and judgment from her parents) .... or .... she could come up with a story that might get her through unscathed.
 
She chose a story .... probably much like I did at that age (and sometimes still do), because it represented the least painful option in the moment.
 
Not because she wanted to lie, but because I was more concerned with keeping some rule or needing to maintain a sense of control than giving my daughter the space to have her desires, choose freely and communicate openly and honestly.
 
It was me who was out of integrity and, to my credit, I told my daughter so ... and told her I was sorry ....
 
.... and it is me, not my daughter, who still, more often than I care to acknowledge, chooses a story to avoid the of pain of disapproval rather than being true to myself ....
 
Michael Connor
 
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